First off – I just spent a good amount of time looking through my posts from earlier in the year and from last time this year… And it’s crazy to see where I was and where I am now. It kind of makes me sad that I haven’t posted more in this year, but hey, things happen for a reason.
I love having things documented so that I can look back and feel what I felt and remember what I did on what days.
So in my honesty now, I am nervous.
I go away to Orlando in basically 2 weeks now. I leave, and I am gone for over a month (I believe I am gone for 5 weeks)
And guys, I am scared. I have never been away from home that long and I am worried that I will get bored and have to spent large amounts of time alone because my boyfriend is working. I am worried I will outstay my welcome and that things will get tense.
I am worried that I would prefer to be home. I am also nervous that my boyfriend and I will not really be compatible. Thats the thing with a long distance relationship, you never really get to spend large amounts of time with your significant other. The longest time we have spent together is 2.5 weeks.
I am afraid I will be homesick and miss my family. I am afraid for what this trip can mean about our future. If I can’t handle a month away from my family, I do not want to move and spent a lifetime some where far away.
Also, lately I have felt as if my bf is being “prickly”, I feel as if I am starved for attention and I just need some kind words or something. But the thing is that he does say nice things, but I don’t know…. I guess I need something more or something else?
I’m realizing that I am bad at perspective taking when it comes to him. I have a hard time putting myself in his shoes. For example, he works a lot… works all week in his business and works all weekend at a part time job… And after working until 11pm on the weekend, sometimes he will still make time to skype with me… And he is usually tired, and he is usually tired during the week. I get so tired of him being tired…. but if I were him I would be tired too. So I need to gain a better sense of perspective taking
Ive been thinking a lot about the idea that everyone shows love in different ways, everyone speaks love in different ways…. I love love love this following quote. I have to remind myself of this often…
I guess that things feel so scary for me when I think about going to orlando for 5 weeks because I dont have my own car, I am at the mercy of my bf and his family… I dont have any of my OWN friends there. I only know those that my bf knows. There is one girl though, that I want to get together with, just her and I, because it would be a lot of fun and I could see us becoming good friends.
I have to really fend for myself in a way when I am there – make sure I am cleaning up after myself, being mindful of other people’s space and habits, learning other’s requirements, learning the rules of another persons house. Making sure I buy some groceries, making sure I am polite and well mannered.. making sure I bring enough money with me
I am sure everything will go fine – and if it doesnt, well then at least I find out now that the relationship is not meant to go further. Its better to find that out now than when I am walking down the isle. I can always come home if need be
I did confide in my boyfriend a couple times that I am nervous to be going there for so long – he told me we would be okay and would deal with it when we get there… Part of me doesn’t like that answer, because I want to deal with it now. But how am I supposed to deal with it now when it hasn’t even happened?
It was his birthday yesterday… He said he had a great day… His present from me came right on time, right on his birthday! I got him a 50lb kettle bell… he wanted one but I couldn’t see him getting himself one any time soon because there’s other priorities. Its funny because I bought him a 35lb kettle bell for christmas, haha. You’d think the shipping would cost so much for a 50lb item, but actually I could have gotten free shipping on it. But I paid $2 more to have it there on time for his birthday… but really… $2 is nothing. Oh and me coming there in July is also a birthday present, lol. But he really liked his present :)
So enough about that…
My summer course is over half way done now. I have done two exams so far, and have gotten 100% on BOTH OF THEM. Wooohoooo. The course is adolescent development – a psychology course – but it is way different than I expected it to be. I thought it would be about all the different theories of development like a previous course I took on Child Development was like. This one isnt like that at all and it is far more interesting and my prof is just a young prof who JUST got her PhD…. She is very very nice.
An 8 page research paper was due last week and my topic was on the esteem development of an adolescent boys, the deterants and variabilities that exist. It sounded pretty good to me. I will find out how I did on Friday or monday.
My final is next Friday… then the course is done. Short and sweet. But man, there’s been lots of reading. And I made a friend too, so it’s nice being able to chat with someone before class and during break – She even found me on fb, I dont know how though, lol.
This past weekend for fathers day we had chinese food and hung out with my dad, it was nice and simple, I think he enjoyed his day. I gave him the greatest card ever and I think that as my dad ages, he is becoming softer and I appreicate that
My mom’s birthday is next Thursday, but I have NO IDEA what to get her. She is so hard to buy for because she doesnt want anything. I have to come up with something creative to get her…..
In regards to my eating, things have been going pretty well I guess? Some days are still harder than others. These past two weekends haven’t been that “great” but I am alive and well… I’m really working towards loving and accepting myself in any way or shape that I am. I really enjoy the size I am at now.. but I have to be able to enjoy any size I am.
I am still loving not tracking calories in myfitnesspal, however I still find myself tallying up the calories in my head for what I have eaten in a day – I am going to stop that… I dont like doing that.
I’m also still in love with my ipad… I am so thankful that I got it.
I should get to sleep… Why do I always post long things after 1 am? haha