I rule my roost.

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So it marks one week since I stopped calorie counting. It’s been liberating. Everyday I reflect at the end of the day how I’m feeling, how I felt about the day… Why I feel the way I do, what I can do differently. I can’t lie and say this whole week has been easy… There’s times when anxiety comes in and tries to scare me. But I have to face my fears and I have to overcome this.

Calorie counting no longer rules me. This obsession I had with food and dieting is dying. It’s going to be DEAD.

That’s why I say… I rule my roost!! I will overcome this.

I’m LOVING eating meals again with my family, not obsessing over how many calories are in a meal… Or how the generous tablespoon of butter that my mom added affected the calorie count of that nights dinner. Who the hell cares!!! It tastes great!
I mean, I still choose healthy options and enjoy my veggies, fruits and fiber rich foods… But knowing that I can have ANYTHING I want when I’m hungry, is amazing.

Trying new recipes and cooking new things, makes me feel like me.

I’ve gotten to enjoy many things…..

Pancakes (6-grain pancakes with added shredded coconut)… With bananas and syrup!

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Deconstructed chicken pot pie…. Without the pie… But with homemade biscuits… AMAZINGGGGGGGG. I don’t even know if this name makes sense for it, hahaha. It’s a recipe-free dish… Just made it with ingredients we had at home.

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I’ve also had many more delicious things… Like I discovered the amazing combo of a cut up apple (into cubes), with melted peanut butter… And a small handful of chocolate chips.
Tastes almost like a candy apple in the weirdest way?? But awesome nonetheless.

Today was an emotional roller coster. I got lots done but I have been feeling mentally and emotionally drained. I was supposed to go out Saturday but canceled because I was so tired. But I’m glad I stayed home.

Just an hour ago I was saying to myself “I’m so done with today”, while crying… and now I’m laying in bed thinking “life is good”. Oh dear. What a difference an hour can make to someone who is pmsing.

I’m okay… Really, I am.

And I only have 13 days left of classes until exams… Then I’m free for a month! Yippee.

Did I post that I booked my summer vacation to Orlando? Well I did. I’m going for over a month. I’ve never been away from home for so long before. I feel like such a little kid when I say that. The longest I have ever been gone is probably 2.5-3 weeks. I’m going for 5 weeks!!!!!!! I’ll be there for 4th of July as well. Two years ago I was there for July 4th.. That was the first time I had ever been to Orlando. This is my third summer going there… I have been very blessed and fortunate.

With the fact that I’m going for 5 weeks in mind, it makes me want to make a bunch of girlfriends in Orlando to hang out with when the boyfriend is working. The only problem is that I won’t have my own car to drive around or get places.

I’m going to take with me a bunch of books and read…. And at least he has a pool… So I’m going to read… Enjoy the pool…. Relax… Spend time with his family… Spend time with friends.. I want to pick up a hobby of some sort. But what?! I’m going to look that up

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I RAN 30 MINUTES STRAIGHT!!!

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Woooohooooooo!!!!! I have never ran for that long at one time before!!!! What a huge success for me. I think back to being in elementary school, being an overweight kid in gym class who couldn’t even run for 2 minutes without stopping. I never imagined as a kid that one day I would have ran 30 minutes straight for my own enjoyment and sense of accomplishment.

Since I’ve stopped calorie counting, exercise no longer means “burn calories so you can eat a large dinner”, it now means “challenge yourself”. Exercise now means to keep beating my personal best, or simply to be active and enjoy whatever activity that may be.

Today was such a huge success!!!!! I got an A+ on my family violence exam that I wrote Tuesday….. And my intuitive eating is going fantastically. I have never felt so free and amazing.

And, I tried a new recipe! Pineapple chicken in the slow cooker. So very good and healthy.

Made some changes to the recipe… Used low sodium chicken broth but added more soy sauce than called for to make up for the lack of salt. Added red pepper as well, which added such a great flavour. Added cayenne and garlic granules. Next time I will add more cayenne because it needed more heat. The chicken came out sooooo tender and amazing. Will definitely make again (just with more cayenne)!! Took 4 hours in the crock pot … Served it on top of sprouted rice with a side of broccoli. The juice left in the slow cooker after the chicken is done is great to put onto the rice.

Recipe: http://momswithcrockpots.com/2011/08/crockpot-pineapple-chicken/

I had never cooked chicken in the slow cooker, so it was rewarding…. Especially since it came out so damn tender. I will have to make something like this for my boyfriend, he would love it. It kinda reminded me of his grandmas chicken, but not quite as good…. I mean, common, she’s Caribbean and is in her 80′s, her chicken will beat mine any day.

I have more plans of dishes to try. Now that I am not counting calories, there is no reason not to. I was so held back, it was unbelievable. I trapped myself.

I’m releasing myself now.

Be free!

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At least the company was good!!!

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I’m taking a study break, because I have an exam tomorrow and a bunch of other things that should be getting done, but instead I’m posting on wordpress.

 

Last night I went out for dinner with my girlfriends from high school and it was sooo nice to catch up and hear about everyone’s lives. We went to perkins for some breakfast food for dinner, because I had never had breakfast at perkins, and apparently it’s supposed to be good???? However it tasted horrible.. It did not even look good! My one friend and I didn’t finish our food.. my other friend gobbled hers down It was a new location as well, and seemed understaffed and a hot mess, but hey, at least I had a good visit with my girls.

We were there from 5:30-9.. but when I left the house at 5, a blizzard hit, and it was nearly white-out conditions. The drive home at 9 wasn’t that great either.. Accidents galore. I drove slow and made it home safe, and my car was safe too. I don’t regret going out though… it was worth the blizzard-y drive.
We made plans for a party on the 29th, we are going to cook and eat and play games, hahaha…

Yesterday was the first day of purposely not counting calories… and not ending up in a binge situation. It felt good. It felt really good

 

Today is day 2. It’s going well.. Very freeing to stop counting calories.

I cannot believe it’s monday though, this weekend went by too fast! I never even had the chance to sit and do nothing!! I think I will do nothing tomorrow night after my exam.

I’ve been so grossed out while sitting around on campus, because apparently one of the libraries had bed bugs in it… And bed bugs gross me out severely, especially after experiencing them at a hotel last May in Orlando. EWWWW. I try to stay far away from that one library… and any plush surfaces, LOL.

I think I will be booking my summer flights to Orlando soon. I plan on going for an entire month (July… and I will be there for july 4). That will be interesting…. I’m excited to stay that long, but at the same time, I have never stayed in Orlando for that long of a period.

I’m trying to get my best friend (from xanga!!) to meet me down in Orlando… We have never met in person, but I have talked to her nearly everyday for over three years. She’s helped me through so much and I love her. It would be so fun if she was able to come.

Oh and I also registered for summer courses today for university. Taking two psychology courses in June… Psychology of Women… and adolescent development. I took child development last semester and it was good. I wish I was only taking one in June, but because of how this semester and last semester went, I need to be taking 2 in order to graduate in two years. I need to figure out how many credits you need in order to minor in psych, because I end up taking psych courses as electives… So if I can get a minor out of it, so be it! That would be nice.

I really need to go to the academic adviser.

Hold your own hand

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Sometimes, you have to hold your own hand. People aren’t always going to be there holding your hand with you.

I did something scary tonight… Well scary to me… I deleted myfitnesspal off my phone because I now feel so restrained by calorie counting and doing this and doing that, burning x amount of calories…. Blah blah blah BLAH.

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Last post I wrote about how I wanted to start intuitive eating. Or at least I THINK I did.

But I guess now that I have myfitnesspal deleted, I begin my journey of intuitive eating. I deleted myfitnesspal on March 15…. The beginning of something great… And freeing.

I’m scared. I don’t think I realized how dependent I got on some stupid app to tell me how much to eat and how much I had left to eat. I have been using myfitnesspal for over 3 years now. That’s a long time to be using something like that. I’ve lost 110-some pounds. It made my body healthy but my mind sick.

I’m very scared…. I’m scared of gaining all the weight back. I’m scared of not being able to read my body’s cues. I’m scared of failing. I’m scared of binging.

There’s things to be excited about though as well…. I’m excited not to have to count calories. I’m excited to be free. I’m excited to fill my brain with other things. I’m excited to be in-tune with my body. I’m excited to not feel like I “blew my calories” for the day. I’m excited to eat when I want and to stop when I’m satisfied. I’m excited to tackle something that scares me and to learn how to cope with the unknown. I’m excited to eat meals with the family. I’m excited to not have to measure every silly thing I eat. I’m looking forward to not planning exactly what I eat the night before.

I feel like I need to find a support system who can help me through this. My family is pretty good with being supportive, but they don’t quite understand. I don’t talk to my friends about my weight loss… My best friend would maybe understand, her and I talk about weight. My boyfriend is clueless about how bad things got, as he said “I don’t think you have disordered eating”…… Yeah okay, because me crying after binging every week was normal??????? Hmmmmm.

I felt so insecure while talking to him tonight after I deleted the app.
It was weird because he was the one who helped me delete myfitnesspal …. And that was great…. But he did some strange things after that just made me feel horrible about myself.

The long distance relationship stuff is garbage and it’s taking a toll on me. Yeah I see him in under 2 months but I need some affection. I’m not even talking about sex. I need someone to be gentle with me. By the time I see him it will be 5 months since we last saw each other.

He’s been so stressed out with his job and complaining all the time. All I can do is listen and encourage.
I do a lot of encouraging….I wish would be more mindful of my situation.

Anyways….. I’m going out with a friend from highschool for dinner tomorrow (sunday)….. Going to Perkins for some breakfast for dinner!! That’s ALWAYS the best. I’m sooooooo looking forward to seeing her… I don’t even know when the last time we saw each other was.

And today I cleaned that house I clean, and finally booked a rental car for May when I go to Orlando.

Now everything is ready for when we go to Orlando in May! Plane tickets, rental house and rental car!! Yippee!

I want some sun!!!!!!

I’m sleeeeeeeeepy!!!!

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Long time no talk

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Ahhh seems like I haven’t posted in awhile. Life has been good, university is good… And busy.

This past week was the final week of mentoring/volunteer for the semester (the volunteer program is scheduled along-side the universities schedule, and the elementary schools of the children who we mentor… So it follows holidays, avoids exam weeks, etc).
I gained so much out of mentoring… And I made a friend out of it too! It just happens that we have a class together, which is awesome!!
But to celebrate the final week of the 2013/2014 program, there was a big family festival for the mentors, kids and their families. Over 500 people came!! It was a huge event… They had VIP guests come, different organizations, activities, and they served a pancake buffet for supper. Yum! It was so bittersweet because it would be the last night I would ever see my kids I mentored (we are not allowed to have contact outside the program)… I hope I have made impacts on their lives… As they have made impacts in mine. I wanted to cry tears of sadness and joy.
Over the course of the program there was a little boy who was withdrawn, didn’t make friends, didn’t like activities, and he was very shy…. Well after seeing how his parents treated him, there was no question as to why he is the way he is. I feel so sad for him…. But I did my best through the program to be there for him, and to listen and engage with him. I hope he felt special…

February was a celebration month… I celebrated my birthday, my dad’s and my friends birthday. Cake cake cake!!!!
It was a month of new creations in the kitchen… Can someone say 5 tiered waffle cake??? Or how about a mega ham-pepperoni-bacon-cheese calzone???
In total, I made 4 waffle cakes.

All you do is mix up a cake mix, pour the batter into the waffle maker… Then put icing on the top of each waffle and layer them. I got creative with it… Experimenting with different cake mixes, ice-cream, caramel, “marshmallow” icing, cool whip icing…. It was a blast!

After February though, I felt I had made such horrible eating choices… Well it wasn’t so much that the eating choices were bad. I just didn’t practice self control. And the multiple waffle cakes didn’t help.

I’m fighting a form of an eating disorder I think…. Or maybe it’s a thinking disorder. Maybe a mix of both. Binge eating & restriction afterwards.

I have a hard time admitting that.
It scares me to even write that.

But I’ve almost gone two weeks without binging…. And I’ve eaten healthy, enjoyed the food I wanted to (cookie dough Icecream!!!)… And I’ve managed to do it in moderation. While also fitting very nutritious food in.

I’m trying to change how I view food. I know I’ve written about this before…. It is a journey and is not solved over night.

But…. My point to writing all of that…. Was that I woke up this morning with an incredible urge to binge but I didn’t. I wanted to binge all day. I wanted to pig out and stuff my face…. But I didn’t.
I’m not sure why I woke up feeling like that. I’m still trying to figure out what makes me have these urges.

My one hypothesis is that I binge as a stress reliever. Because it makes me feel good in the moment and forget about everything else in that minute.
But I know there’s more productive ways of coping with stress and I have been trying to implement them.

When I was in the 250′s, to where I am now in the 130′s… I still face some of the same battles. Losing weight doesn’t make you automatically forget old habits. “Old habits die hard”…. But I know that these urges and feelings can be managed. Feelings and urges are tricky… Because on one hand they may tell you what you’re really supposed to do, but on the other hand, they may be self-sabotaging lies.

Here’s to recovery!

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Validate me!!!!!!!

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That’s what I want to scream…. VALIDATE ME.

I’m looking to all the wrong sources for validation. And it’s causing pain.

My worth has to come from within, and I have to realize it and validate myself.

I got some weird news over the weekend, about my degree…. I’m stressed out with school.. I cut my hair last week and I think I am having regrets…. I wrote an 8 page paper and don’t know of it’s proper…. I have 4 midterms next week…. My birthday is Monday…. I just need an esteem boost.

Dear me:
You are not pointless
Your feelings matter
Your new hair cut looks great
Your paper sounds wonderful
You can take a break
You can cry
You deserve the best
So what, the presentation sucked, no big deal
You’re intelligent
You have wonderful ideas
You can do anything
You are provided for
You are loved
I cherish you
I love you
I think you’re funny
You are cute
You’re not clueless
You have a strong voice
You are a great leader
You have great conversation skills
Your new nail polish looks great
I like your new boots
I like your curly hair
Your eyes are bright
You inspire me
You keep me on my toes
I will help you
I will be loyal to you
We will do this together
Don’t stress
You are important
I will make time for you

Love, me.

Time flies

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When is the last time I posted????

I’ve been terrible at posting. Mostly because I’m so busy. And by the time I think to post, I am too tired and the thought of making a post alone makes me even more tired.

University is going well… Tomorrow marks two weeks full weeks done in the winter 2014 semester.
I was going to take a full course load (5), but decided to drop one. I’m so glad I did. On top of all the readings, assignments, cleaning, working out and volunteering I am busy!!! I can’t imagine trying to fit in any more reading.

Anyways my trip to Orlando in May is almost all planned.
Dates are set
Tickets are bought
Vacation home is bought

All that’s needed now is a rental car.

We decided to get a rental house this vacation instead of staying two weeks in a hotel.
Last May we faced dreaded bed bugs in our hotel room on MOTHERS DAY. What a disaster for my mom.

Plus with a rental home you have more space to roam, have your own kitchen for food… We have out own private pool, BBQ, garage… I get my own bedroom and bedroom!
You have a home away from home!!

The rental home is 30-50 min away from my bf… But it was harder to get anything closer. He can stay in the house with us instead of driving back and forth everyday. So at least he has that option.

My family invited my aunt from Oregon to come too. I have mixed feelings about this. She hasn’t really had much contact with me for the last 4 years.
She is vocal about her disapproval of me getting a degree in family social science.. Because in her opinion I should be a pharmacist.
She promised to come to my grad, told me she wouldn’t miss it for the world. We bought the grad ticket for her and everything… She never came. Never apologized for not coming. Never spoke of it again.
I had never felt so crushed by someone not coming to something…. Because I used to look up to her so much.
Now idk… I just don’t care. I might tell her one day and tell her how much she hurt me… But I don’t know if I could. I think it could be a waste of time, especially since she isn’t a big part of my life right now.

My bday is in less than a month, and to be honest… I’m mostly excited for a free grand slam breakfast from Denny’s. (Go to Denny’s on your bday!!! It’s free for you).

My bday is amidst 3 midterms and an 8 page paper due date. I have three midterms in a row.. Then two days later my paper is due!!

The great part is that a week after my bday I have the whole week off!! I want to go to the states for some shopping and relaxation.

I want a spa package for two for my birthday, lol, and I would take my momma.

My friend got engaged last month!!! You should see the ring. GORGEOUS.

My gma is still here, but it’s been a lot of fun. She’s been here for nearly a month.

I think she’s leaving at the end of next week. It will be weird without her here, haha. My grandma is the best.

Life is good