“Mercury is in retrograde”

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I keep seeing that everywhere, “mercury is in retrograde, lol lol lol, that’s why I’m cCcCrazyYYyYyy”…

I know a few people who are blaming the mercury for how their month has been going… On the other hand, I seem to be having the best September of my life.

I don’t know how I feel about that stuff either though….

Anyways, last night I went to bed early because I was just feeling nauseous. I woke up this morning after sleeping for over 12 hours, and still felt just as nauseous as I had felt before I went to sleep. I’m still recovering now, but it’s not as severe as this morning.

I was supposed to work at my cleaning job this morning, but I just couldn’t, as I felt so ill and knew I had a meeting I had to attend at 3, so I needed to stay in bed and rest up so I could get to the meeting.

This week is relatively busy with my program coordinator job, but it’s exciting because we are doing things I haven’t done yet, so I get to learn a bunch of new things.

For dinner I made some DELICIOUS vegetable soup for supper with some sourdough bread toasted and buttered. It was perfect. I added lots of ginger and garlic to the soup to help speed up feeling better.

I really dont have anything that exciting to say.

This upcoming weekend I might take a little road trip with my momma, but we havent really decided whether or not we will go yet. I do have a hotel booked for it, but I can cancel it for free until 24 hours before check-in.

Finally

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I am finally becoming the person I always wanted to become.

I just finished reading a couple of my last blog posts.

A lot has changed since then

  • I graduated university with honours
  • I got a job, in the organization that I had mentored in for three years (MY FIRST REAL JOB)
  • I’m now shopping around for my very own car!!

I started my new job on September 6th. So I have worked for a two weeks now. I am a program coordinator. I absolutely love it, I have had the greatest time and everything has transitioned very smoothly.

I enjoy working 100x more than going to university. Funny thing is that I thought I loved university and I thought I loved all that… but now that I am working in an organization that I know and love, it is WAY better than studying. I am still learning, growing and being immersed in topics and situations I find fascinating.

I work for a non-profit mentoring organization that buses in children from different schools around the city to the university. The gist of it is that we connect children with university mentors, and explore the possibilities of post-secondary.

A few things haven’t changed

  • Still in a long distance relationship
  • I’m still me
  • Still kinda struggling with eating-disorder tendencies, but it has improved.

 

I don’t think I have ever felt so fulfilled or happy.

I think that this has actually helped me a bit with the eating-disorder tendencies I was displaying. I now have another focus, other goals, other responsibilities – a sense of purpose. So, I don’t have as much time to waste on thinking destructively. HOWEVER, I am hoping this is not just covering those issues up, and that I am not ignoring their existence.

Sooo, last night I was looking for stationary for work. I absolutely love cats, so I was searching around for cat sticky notes (lol). Anyways, I ended up on aliexpress.com and found a bunch of things. It was so hard not to buy everything that I liked, haha but it was cheap, so whatever. Here’s what I ordered last night:

Cat sticky notes!!!

Phone cases. I just had to get that funky looking one in the middle. Why does the cat have a tomato on their head? I have no clue, I had to buy it.

meow-shirt

I have been looking for a shirt like this, with the cat nose a heart

I spent a grand total of $13 CAD

I already have more things in my shopping cart. Good thing I have a full-time job now — and these things are insanely cheap. I also am gonna end up ordering some cords for my phone, nail stickers ($0.87 for 10 sheets of nail decorations? SURE!)… Also found this belt for when I exercise to stick my phone in – the one I have now doesnt fit my new phone.

Tomorrow I actually work two jobs
1. Cleaning –> I have been cleaning this ladies house since 2011, but now that I have a full time job, tomorrow will be my last day cleaning
2. My program coordinator job –> not supposed to work Mondays in September, but I have to go to an important meeting, so that’s what I will be doing!

I am looking forward to another week at work.

I want to start reading & writing more. I started reading “A House Without Windows” today, and so far it is BEAUTIFUL. I am on Chapter 5, but I just adore it already.

 

 

Confidence

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Oh boy I just got home from the wedding….

It was a great time… I definitely had a blast getting all dolled up… I even managed to do a cute updo in my hair… Usually my go-to hair for special occasions is down and curled, but with my dress I wanted my hair up.  And hey, some variety is good. 

AND….. it managed to stay in place ALL NIGHT LONG. I guess thats what a lot of hair spray and some bobby pins can do.

Another thing that lasted all night long was my feet… even though I wore heels the whole time. I didnt take them off once. I was honestly very surprised that I was able to last with them on, but they actually never hurt my feet – even while dancing up a storm.

I felt absolutely beautiful… and confident… I was myself, I was funny, charming, witty and personable. 

The wedding ceremony was outdoors and at a golf club, which is risky for October but it was abnormally warm today and there was no wing or rain, it was perfect weather. One thing that was odd though was that there were HOARDS OF LADYBUGS. They were on EVERYONE. I have never seen so many ladybugs in my life. They were all over the rocks and buildings too. 

The ceremony was short and to the point…. I actually didn’t know ANYBODY but the bride and groom, but I chatted with this one girl who I sat with so it wasn’t lonely.

Afterwards, another girl I went to university with showed up and I caught up with her – although she is quite shy so I felt like I was the only one jabbering away. 

The reception was good… 4 course meal. The best part of the meal was dessert. They gave out individual peacan pies… but they were quite a good size and I ate every last piece. So good!! I have only had peacn pie once before, and it wasn’t that great… but this one was really good…  

Since I didn’t really know anybody at the wedding I had to make some friends… what is a better way of making friends than  getting on the dancefloor?

I danced for a while… got friendly with some girls… it was good. Then a guy came and told me that it looked like I needed someone to dance with… Sure! Okay … which was fine, but then he started saying realllllly cheesy things… and once a slow song came on, and I told him “I HAVE TO USE THE BaTHROOM REALLLLLLLY BADLY” and left. 

Since I am in a relationship I have different boundaries I don’t cross with other guys… One boundary that I dont cross is slow dancing. 

Later on I went back and danced some more, but without that guy, lol! 

They had a ncie 4 tier wedding cake that probably cost them a good amount of money…. but all they did with it was take a picture of them cutting it and then later on took it out at the end of the night in a carboard box… they didnt eat it, we didnt eat it… they didnt even do that thing where they shove cake in each others face. —- I don’t understand the point of getting a custom made cake to just take a picture???????????? and not even eat it???????? a big 4 tier cake and not eating it???????? why have 4 tiers??????? So many questions, so little answers 

They had a candy bar too…. skittles, herseys chocolates, coke bottles, gummy bears, peach rings. I like candy bars. 

They also had a free bar… and I dont usually drink… but I ended up getting 3 drinks. That’s really rare for me to do, but I dont regret it … I had malibu and orange juice, and then malibu and 7-up… but on my 3rd drink I decided I didnt want it so I barely drank it. 

I am leery about drinking because I come from a family with a history of alcoholism on both my mom and dad’s side…. I never want to go down that path. But I guess it has to do with the reasons why you drink too… I wasn’t drinking to escape or to numb myself… I was having a couple drinks because (1) I wanted to (2) I was not driving (3) It was free (4) when you allow yourself things in moderation, you won’t go overboard or end up binging. 

Now I am tired… full of candy… and ready for bed… but I am so grateful I had the opportunity to go celebrate with them. 

Princess

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So, tomorrow my friend from university is getting married… shes a couple years older than I am and she’s completely ready to be married and undertake that responsbility… The only reason I say that is because more and more people that I graduated high school with are getting engaged, and even married. I cannot imagine getting married right now. 

My boyfriend and I celebrated 4 years together on Wednesday and I dont think I am anywhere ready or mature enough to even consider marriage. Sometimes that makes me wonder if perhaps I doubt the relationship? But.. I think that it maybe shows that I have goals I want to achieve and things I want to do before undertaking that role. 

I used to think I wanted to get married young…. Well, now I changed my views on that completely. 

But that aside, I am looking forward to going to the wedding tomorrow. I have my outfit picked out. I borrowed a dress from a friend. They got this dress in Paris and I absolutely love it. It’s black and has sort of an open back. The straps are very delicate and it frames my collarbones nicely how the neckline is. At the top theres also  tiny metal detailing… I dont really know how to describe it that well, lol. It goes to just above my knee, comes in at my waist, and looks so nice. I also borrowed some pink heels and some MAC lipstick (uh oh, I might have to get myself some MAC makeup…. which is not really something I wanna start…. but the lipstick is so nice and lasts!!!) ….. I picked myself up this chic cropped dark wash jean jacket that hits my waist at the perfect spot, and I will wear that as well. Since it is October its starting to cool down here.  I want to find a tutorial for a nice updo for my hair. Oh and I bought some earrings to go with the dress too. 

I feel like a princess getting all this stuff together… and in a good way – not a high maintenance type. It feels good to get dressed up and go some where and celebrate. 

Especially since school has been so insane. I have spent all Thursday and Friday doing school work. Today I managed to fit in some yoga and leg workouts, but other than that I spent the majority of the day… hours apon hours… rreading and studying. 

Next week I have a bunch of volunteering events that start happening, which I am looking forward to but I have no idea how I am going to manage doing all of these things

I am wondering what I could to do be more effective when it comes to reading and doing my uni work …. but I mean it is my last year of my undergrad, I should know how to be more effective…. But what really doesnt help is that after so much reading my brain kinda shuts off and I will “read” something but have to reread it multiple times when the exam approaches 

Its thanksgiving weekend here now… we have already gone through a costco sized pumpin pie, and we have another one waiting to be eaten this weekend. hehehe

Speaking of eating, I think I have been messing up lately in regards to eating enough. Actually, I know i have been. I have completely skipped  my period this past month, and I am pretty sure its because I didnt eat enough, which sounds crazy and I hate writing that out, but it’s the truth. 

I have difficulty sometimes with figuring out how much to eat . Having a history of being over 250+ pounds , and then  losing over a hundred pounds by  doing extreme calorie counting sometimes makes me very unsure of what to do.

Some months are great, with regular periods, weight stability, eating to hunger cues, istening to my body, acceptance, peace, grace, love… other months are difficult… with mental restriction, not listening to hunger cues, missed periods, anxiety, and fear. 

I was actually doing REALLY WELL for like 6 months… … getting my periods regularly and not restricting… and enjoying things… but then I went to Orlando for a month and a half and gained 7 pounds and when I got home I was panicked to get the weight off.

But the best part is that I have the power to change and make things better.

This week I have been eating more, fueling myself, not working out when I am tired…. and I sm starting to feel better, and I already know that my body is responding positively to it. 

I just have to stay positive, and take care of myself. 

I am so looking forward to this wedding, thanksgiving, and giving back through volunteering/mentoring 

It’s been awhile.

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I don’t know where to start or what to say exactly…

It’s my final year of my undergrad degree… It hit me last night that I have no idea what I am doing next year. No idea.

I think I want to get a job working in the field I am getting my degree in… and then decide from there if I want to move forward with getting a masters degree, or if I want something different all together. WHO KNOWS

I don’t know what I want… or who I am… or where I am.

I used to feel like I was SO proud of the person I was becoming. I would feel like I was finally “blossoming” (yeah I know — corny). Now I feel like I don’t know what direction I am headed in.

I miss xanga. I would be blogging more if it still existed.

This semester of university is insane, there is always something due, a test this week, a midterm that week, a paper due, and on and on and on. What is even more scary is that once I’m through all the papers and tests, life turns into something different altogether.

However, none of those things matter – all the papers, tests, exams… Relationships do matter. My relationships are failing I feel like. On a psychological level, and perhaps even a physical level, I am failing.

I don’t feel comfortable with who I am. Who I am becoming.

I don’t know what to do to even change that. It’s frustrating.

I’ve been working to change it, but I feel like some days I have hit a brick wall.

I’m motivated, hard-working, diligent, loyal and capable. I have no issues with university, it’s easy, just a balancing act. I can do that. But relationships, they are hard for me. In fact, they always have been. I am only now just realizing that. And it’s always been this way – even since I was little.

It’s funny… I am taking a personality of psychology class right now (which, it’s something entirely different than I thought it would be)… but statistically, people who are higher in neuroticism tend to have blogs. I think this post is a good example of neuroticism and the emotionality that goes with it😉

I know things will be okay… but these growing pains are difficult.

Wednesday is my anniversary with my boyfriend of 4 years… My friend is getting married this upcoming weekend… This weekend is thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.

I am so thankful for my family, and the opportunities I have.

Did I bring the cold with me?

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Okay, so my last post was about the health thing that I had been experiencing for awhile. I was very reluctant to start taking the anti-depressants that the Gyno prescribed (for pain sensors misfiring), just because I didn’t know what the effects would be. I was afraid I would be a walking zombie. I actually started them before my exams were over… which was a little risky… but I am so happy that I did that. I have not been tired because of them, and they have progressively reduced the pain and discomfort. So now I don’t even feel pain as I move or sit. I am still taking a break from working out, but its okay, it’s christmas time anyways😉
The only thing that these pills have done as a side effect, is that they have made it extremely difficult to go to the bathroom (TMI??).. Which has made me bloated and slightly uncomfortable in my bowels, but at least no pain and I can move.
I have almost 2 weeks left of the pills.

I am in Orlando now, I got here Friday afternoon. My boyfriend took Friday off to pick me up and spend the evening with me. When I got here we got sonic (my fave) and exchanged presents. I got a Guess purse from him, and for our anniversary a couple months ago he got me a guess wallet, so now I have things that go together!! I got him a crossfit gym membership – he wanted it, I wasn’t rude and trying to get him to workout, lol – and some special oreos we have in Canada that he likes (AND I FLEW HERE, thats a present too, hahaha). Friday evening was an absolute disaster, I had woken up at 5:30 in the morning, drove to 2 hours, got on a plane for 3.5 hours… I hadn’t gotten enough sleep and something happened in the evening that sent me over the edge emotionally… An accident happened — not a car accident or anything. But I handled it, and I hope everything will be okay. Friday evening by the time it was 10 pm I just crashed out in bed.

Saturday and Sunday my boyfriend worked at his part time job (and put in his 2 weeks notice of quitting!!!! Its going to be so great when he is finally done working there on the weekends).
So on Saturday I went out with his mom and aunt shopping… Which was fun, I didn’t get anything for myself. However I did find something for my momma. She’s been looking for this one seasoning, and I finally found it!!! It will be an unexpected stocking stuffer🙂

Sunday (yesterday), I went to this Church event at my boyfriend’s dad’s church… It was this big thing where 4 other churches came to their church, and there was singing, dancing, food, visiting.
The concert itself was over 3 hours long, but afterwards, we got to eat cake, food, and visit.

I know quite a few people because I met some Church people in the summer. It felt great to catch up with everyone. There is a 18 year old who I met in the summer and she was about to start college and was extremely nervous for it, so I got to see how her semester went and everything. And the KIDS, oh the KIDS, they remembered me and they were so excited when I asked them about certain things they told me in the summer “YOU REMEMBERED?!?”. Adorable.

The food was amazing, of course. And the cake… oh the cake was great. And don’t get me started on the green beans. Someone must’ve put crack in them because I could eat plate fulls of them. I’m sure it was probably just butter, salt and garlic, but honestly I have never had such amazing green beans.

In the summer I remember being quite nervous because in all these Church events I was the only white person, and I didn’t know how I would be received…. But you know what? Everyone in the church is very friendly. I wasn’t treated any differently

So last night I wasn’t even nervous about it, because I KNEW I would be the only white person, but I also knew that it would go just fine.
I am not used to such racial segregation (for lack of better words?????) in Canada, so thats why I am never quite sure what to expect here in Florida.

This year I have continued mentoring inner city kids in my city, and I think that has really helped me grow as a person, and to develop good leadership roles and to be able to communicate effectively with children.

Now I am sitting in the real estate office my boyfriend works in, and waiting for a meeting to happen. It was supposed to start in 2 minutes, but the guy said he would be 10 minutes late.

Later today we are going to see this couple who I havent seen in a whole year. I really like them, and it’s funny because she is white and he is black (like my bf n I)… But she is similar to me, and her husband is similar to my boyfriend… So all of us get along really well. They JUST had their second baby…. 3 days ago…. and they already invited us over for DINNER. I was shocked when my bf told me that they invited us over so soon. But I guess since I am only in for a week, they really wanted to get together??

Tomorrow we have a christmas get together to go to. I’m bringing cookies n cream fudge that I made back home… and will probably pick up some sugar cookies from the store (because it’s hard to bake when you are not in your own house/kitchen)… the bf is making chicken (of course).

And it’s very cold here. I thought I would be able to handle it, but it is COLD. Not as cold as it is back home, but I am used to it being hot here!!!!

Long post, I hope everyone else is well🙂

Healing, it is a process

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So I don’t think I’ve posted for a VERY LONG TIME.

I’ve been dealing with something in regards to my health for the last four months. I’ve been to the doctor more times than I would like…. And I’m still not exactly sure what’s going on. I’ve had the routine checks to see if anything could be found and nothing was found.

Nothing life threatening…. Just very annoying and it has been painful.

The pain has subsided and I’m praying and believing it will stay that way. Now I’m just dealing with discomfort…. I just want things to go back to normal.

I’ve been prescribed antidepressants to help deal with the problem.. Not for my mental state…. My dr is hoping that maybe the antidepressants will stop nerves from firing that shouldn’t be firing. And then maybe the problem and discomfort will go away. She said not to take the pills until I’m done with finals… So this upcoming wednesday…. But I am reluctant to take them, because I am hesitant to think that nerves are the problem. But I’m not a dr. And I go to orlando two days later and will be on new pills. That makes me nervous. At least I have another appointment scheduled for when I get home from orlando.

I’m praying that I’m completely healed before Wednesday so I won’t even have to take them. I do not want to take them.

These 4 months have basically made me become sedentary. I used to workout 4-5 times a week and now I can’t, because every time that I do it causes issues. So I’ve made myself relax…. And listen to my body. I’ve had to wear sweats or skirts or dresses every day, because wearing jeans is irritating to the problem. I had to start my semester in pain… It has not been fun. I don’t know how people can live their whole lives in pain. Sometimes I feel so angry about going through what I’m going through, but it’s a learning experience.

I push forward…

This wont be forever…. It’s just been hard.

Please send your prayers my way, I would really appreciate it.