It’s been awhile.


I don’t know where to start or what to say exactly…

It’s my final year of my undergrad degree… It hit me last night that I have no idea what I am doing next year. No idea.

I think I want to get a job working in the field I am getting my degree in… and then decide from there if I want to move forward with getting a masters degree, or if I want something different all together. WHO KNOWS

I don’t know what I want… or who I am… or where I am.

I used to feel like I was SO proud of the person I was becoming. I would feel like I was finally “blossoming” (yeah I know — corny). Now I feel like I don’t know what direction I am headed in.

I miss xanga. I would be blogging more if it still existed.

This semester of university is insane, there is always something due, a test this week, a midterm that week, a paper due, and on and on and on. What is even more scary is that once I’m through all the papers and tests, life turns into something different altogether.

However, none of those things matter – all the papers, tests, exams… Relationships do matter. My relationships are failing I feel like. On a psychological level, and perhaps even a physical level, I am failing.

I don’t feel comfortable with who I am. Who I am becoming.

I don’t know what to do to even change that. It’s frustrating.

I’ve been working to change it, but I feel like some days I have hit a brick wall.

I’m motivated, hard-working, diligent, loyal and capable. I have no issues with university, it’s easy, just a balancing act. I can do that. But relationships, they are hard for me. In fact, they always have been. I am only now just realizing that. And it’s always been this way – even since I was little.

It’s funny… I am taking a personality of psychology class right now (which, it’s something entirely different than I thought it would be)… but statistically, people who are higher in neuroticism tend to have blogs. I think this post is a good example of neuroticism and the emotionality that goes with it ;)

I know things will be okay… but these growing pains are difficult.

Wednesday is my anniversary with my boyfriend of 4 years… My friend is getting married this upcoming weekend… This weekend is thanksgiving weekend here in Canada.

I am so thankful for my family, and the opportunities I have.

Did I bring the cold with me?


Okay, so my last post was about the health thing that I had been experiencing for awhile. I was very reluctant to start taking the anti-depressants that the Gyno prescribed (for pain sensors misfiring), just because I didn’t know what the effects would be. I was afraid I would be a walking zombie. I actually started them before my exams were over… which was a little risky… but I am so happy that I did that. I have not been tired because of them, and they have progressively reduced the pain and discomfort. So now I don’t even feel pain as I move or sit. I am still taking a break from working out, but its okay, it’s christmas time anyways ;)
The only thing that these pills have done as a side effect, is that they have made it extremely difficult to go to the bathroom (TMI??).. Which has made me bloated and slightly uncomfortable in my bowels, but at least no pain and I can move.
I have almost 2 weeks left of the pills.

I am in Orlando now, I got here Friday afternoon. My boyfriend took Friday off to pick me up and spend the evening with me. When I got here we got sonic (my fave) and exchanged presents. I got a Guess purse from him, and for our anniversary a couple months ago he got me a guess wallet, so now I have things that go together!! I got him a crossfit gym membership – he wanted it, I wasn’t rude and trying to get him to workout, lol – and some special oreos we have in Canada that he likes (AND I FLEW HERE, thats a present too, hahaha). Friday evening was an absolute disaster, I had woken up at 5:30 in the morning, drove to 2 hours, got on a plane for 3.5 hours… I hadn’t gotten enough sleep and something happened in the evening that sent me over the edge emotionally… An accident happened — not a car accident or anything. But I handled it, and I hope everything will be okay. Friday evening by the time it was 10 pm I just crashed out in bed.

Saturday and Sunday my boyfriend worked at his part time job (and put in his 2 weeks notice of quitting!!!! Its going to be so great when he is finally done working there on the weekends).
So on Saturday I went out with his mom and aunt shopping… Which was fun, I didn’t get anything for myself. However I did find something for my momma. She’s been looking for this one seasoning, and I finally found it!!! It will be an unexpected stocking stuffer :)

Sunday (yesterday), I went to this Church event at my boyfriend’s dad’s church… It was this big thing where 4 other churches came to their church, and there was singing, dancing, food, visiting.
The concert itself was over 3 hours long, but afterwards, we got to eat cake, food, and visit.

I know quite a few people because I met some Church people in the summer. It felt great to catch up with everyone. There is a 18 year old who I met in the summer and she was about to start college and was extremely nervous for it, so I got to see how her semester went and everything. And the KIDS, oh the KIDS, they remembered me and they were so excited when I asked them about certain things they told me in the summer “YOU REMEMBERED?!?”. Adorable.

The food was amazing, of course. And the cake… oh the cake was great. And don’t get me started on the green beans. Someone must’ve put crack in them because I could eat plate fulls of them. I’m sure it was probably just butter, salt and garlic, but honestly I have never had such amazing green beans.

In the summer I remember being quite nervous because in all these Church events I was the only white person, and I didn’t know how I would be received…. But you know what? Everyone in the church is very friendly. I wasn’t treated any differently

So last night I wasn’t even nervous about it, because I KNEW I would be the only white person, but I also knew that it would go just fine.
I am not used to such racial segregation (for lack of better words?????) in Canada, so thats why I am never quite sure what to expect here in Florida.

This year I have continued mentoring inner city kids in my city, and I think that has really helped me grow as a person, and to develop good leadership roles and to be able to communicate effectively with children.

Now I am sitting in the real estate office my boyfriend works in, and waiting for a meeting to happen. It was supposed to start in 2 minutes, but the guy said he would be 10 minutes late.

Later today we are going to see this couple who I havent seen in a whole year. I really like them, and it’s funny because she is white and he is black (like my bf n I)… But she is similar to me, and her husband is similar to my boyfriend… So all of us get along really well. They JUST had their second baby…. 3 days ago…. and they already invited us over for DINNER. I was shocked when my bf told me that they invited us over so soon. But I guess since I am only in for a week, they really wanted to get together??

Tomorrow we have a christmas get together to go to. I’m bringing cookies n cream fudge that I made back home… and will probably pick up some sugar cookies from the store (because it’s hard to bake when you are not in your own house/kitchen)… the bf is making chicken (of course).

And it’s very cold here. I thought I would be able to handle it, but it is COLD. Not as cold as it is back home, but I am used to it being hot here!!!!

Long post, I hope everyone else is well :)

Healing, it is a process


So I don’t think I’ve posted for a VERY LONG TIME.

I’ve been dealing with something in regards to my health for the last four months. I’ve been to the doctor more times than I would like…. And I’m still not exactly sure what’s going on. I’ve had the routine checks to see if anything could be found and nothing was found.

Nothing life threatening…. Just very annoying and it has been painful.

The pain has subsided and I’m praying and believing it will stay that way. Now I’m just dealing with discomfort…. I just want things to go back to normal.

I’ve been prescribed antidepressants to help deal with the problem.. Not for my mental state…. My dr is hoping that maybe the antidepressants will stop nerves from firing that shouldn’t be firing. And then maybe the problem and discomfort will go away. She said not to take the pills until I’m done with finals… So this upcoming wednesday…. But I am reluctant to take them, because I am hesitant to think that nerves are the problem. But I’m not a dr. And I go to orlando two days later and will be on new pills. That makes me nervous. At least I have another appointment scheduled for when I get home from orlando.

I’m praying that I’m completely healed before Wednesday so I won’t even have to take them. I do not want to take them.

These 4 months have basically made me become sedentary. I used to workout 4-5 times a week and now I can’t, because every time that I do it causes issues. So I’ve made myself relax…. And listen to my body. I’ve had to wear sweats or skirts or dresses every day, because wearing jeans is irritating to the problem. I had to start my semester in pain… It has not been fun. I don’t know how people can live their whole lives in pain. Sometimes I feel so angry about going through what I’m going through, but it’s a learning experience.

I push forward…

This wont be forever…. It’s just been hard.

Please send your prayers my way, I would really appreciate it.

Home – for a second


I’m home…. Survived the 5 weeks in Florida… my relationship survived it too.

It does feel nice to be home, it’s great to be back with family and to be in my own room again. And I’m so happy that I haven’t had to eat any chicken lately (I got so sick of chicken!! The bf’s fam eats it allllllll the time).

I just wanted to quickly update because it’s 2:30 am and I have to wake up at 7:30 to go out of town for the day… Going somewhere two hours away to visit my moms friend and attend a family fun day thingy.

Anyways… Just had to post what was on my mind. Sometimes I feel so lame.
I go on Instagram and see all these people I graduated with going out, getting drunk, partying, having fun, socializing…. And here I am at home, not even really wanting to do that.
I don’t want to party with them.

I had so many people ask to hangout right before I left, but I wasn’t able to, and I told them we would hang out when I got back….. I’ve been home for less than a week and still feel like I just need to take a minute before I make plans with anyone…. I don’t want to text anyone, see anyone, make plans doing anything with any friends. I’m content chilling with my fam, relaxing. And I mean, I haven’t even been home for a week. I feel like my life is still out of sorts a little bit and I have to get it back in order before I do make plans.

When I’m busy with uni I put all of myself into it…. No partying… I guess it pays off though because I just got 3 amazing scholarships. Which maybe I’ll post about sometime soon.

So when I feel lame, I just have to remind myself that I’m doing what I need to be doing. I need to remind myself that everyone is different and does different things.
I need to remind myself that it’s okay to be who I am… To accept myself.

I’m not a partier and it’s o.k.

We each have different hobbies and goals.

:) goodnight.

Culture shock



We always talked about “culture shock” in an anthropology course I took last year. But the thing about culture shock is that it can occur basically any time you leave your familiar environments. 


culture shock
: a feeling of confusion, doubt, or nervousness caused by being in a place (such as a foreign country) that is very different from what you are used to


This whole weekend has been full of different cultures for me that I have had to face on my own – The African American culture, and multiple West Indian cultures. (And I say “on my own” because my bf worked the whole weekend, and is working tonight as well… I know his mom and family but I am still becoming comfortable and familiar with them and their ways of acting)

That may make it sound like I am extremely sheltered back home, and to a point I am. But when I am at home, I am never living, eating and conversing 24/7 in a household that has a different culture than me. It only makes sense that I feel a little out of place here.

Yesterday my boyfriend’s mom held a pool party for children that attend their church – I helped out, visited with the different grandparents who brought their grandkids, visited with the kids, etc. I was the only white person out of 25+ people. It didn’t bother me, and for the most part I was generally well accepted, some of the kids were VERY curious as to who I was and why I was there. 

I talked to multiple women, but one woman in particular stood out to me. She never held anything back… her whole family seemed to be in crisis and she was very outspoken. I enjoyed listening to her and her stories, experiences, and thoughts… but I had a hard time responding to her. Well, it wasnt even that I had a hard time responding, it’s that she had a hard time receiving what I was saying back to her. The conversation was great if I kept my mouth shut and only asked questions from time to time. I felt awkward because anything I said she would brush off, or act off about it.

I helped set up, manage and clean up the party – I never received a thank you from my bf’s mom?? At all?? I’m not saying that to sound prissy, but It’s just VERY VERY different than back home.

AND I know things arent always going to be like they are “Back home”, but this is just me working through my emotions. 

After the pool party, we went to different Caribbean grocery stores, which I usually LOVE since theres all sorts of food and new items I have never seen… but I just felt so foreign in those stores. It had different food, different veggies & fruits… and I just wanted to see familiar things to me. After having all those new foods last week here, I seriously just want peanut butter on toast, and oatmeal. 

When I got back at night to grandmas house, there was another lady and her daughter there from the islands. The lady was downright rude to me, so rude!!! Later on I found out she was racist and does not like white people. 

This is so foreign to me… back home, we do not have large race differences between the whites and blacks at all. Not like America. I am not used to being judged because of my skin colour. It felt…. sad. Awkward. 

I guess I have to experience things like that though. Because thats life. Thats what happens. People have different beliefs and ideas. 

I just wanted something familiar all weekend. I keep taking baths because it reminds me of home – I love baths. 



Compatible or incompatible????

Damn it.

So I’ve been in Orlando for a week now. To say that things have been rocky may be an understatement.

I don’t know what is wrong or who is doing what.
However I did realize
– I yell
– he needs a thousand things happening at once
– I like to give individual things attention
– I care about family
– he doesn’t care to appease anyone
– I am interdependent
– he is independent
– I am emotionally charged
– he is mellow
– I am caring towards myself
– he is negative and worrisome about himself
– for jokes, I like puns
– for jokes, he likes to confuse people
– I like outside
– he likes inside
– I smile
– he “smiles”
– I am understanding
– he is understanding
– I can be malicious
– he can see the situation
– I like being called nicknames
– he feels awkward with nicknames

I mean, we do have similarities…… But this past week has been questionable.

I think long distance is sometimes easier when you’re apart than when you’re together. Getting used to each other is HARD. It’s hard to admit that we basically have a “pseudo” relationship

This guy is pissing me off…… Yet he is bringing happiness and joy to me as well.
What are relationships supposed to be like anyways???

I’ve gone through yelling, crying, pouting, laughing, smiling, cheering, jumping up and down, being disappointed, feeling alone, feeling loved, feeling taken care of, etc….. They are very polar emotions

In some ways I feel like I am a battle field full of land mines……. And he is walking around and getting blown up from these land mines periodically…… And I don’t know how many more he can take until he decides this is a battle not meant for him.

Other times I feel like he is a hot mess and I’m just having to swim around with him in his mess wondering when I’ll drown.

I guess that humans are messy…… And when two humans come together, you have to deal with each other and their messes.

I feel like maybe we disagree on so much.

We will see…. We will see.

When him and I are out, or with friends, we are a good couple. Admirable even. We work together and it’s very enjoyable.
But for some reason when we are alone it’s different? Not completely bad or good.

It would be waaaaay different if I lived here, or at least had my own space and usual things from home. And if I had a car and a goal to work towards.

I’m so tired. I need some sleep.

Birthday x2


It’s my mom’s birthday today (26th)… Funny thing is that it’s my boyfriend’s mom’s b-day as well. How crazy!! We got a cake yesterday for my mom and already ate some with her – she couldn’t wait, hehe.. Strawberry shortcake from Costco, she had been wanting to try it for awhile now, and she absolutely loves it… It is pretty good! Moist, light and fruity!


For the rest of my mom’s b-day we will be eating breakfast/lunch at dennys, you get free breakfast on your b-day… and getting her NEW VEHICLE!!!! I am so excited for her. She got a brand new 2014 Honda CRV. She loves it! My grandma has one and my mom fell in love with it, and her old car is turning 14 years old, so it was time for a new vehicle. What an awesome birthday present.

Speaking of the heat, I go to Orlando in under a week now.. I don’t feel as anxious about it as I did before. I am looking at it as an adventure and a learning experience. It will be a great time, I hope it makes our relationship even more solid than it is already.

Oh! And… All I have left to do in my summer class is take my final exam on friday and then I am good to go.

I made oatmeal M&M cookies yesterday as well, they are very good. M&Ms are always better than chocolate chips in cookies in my opinion. The recipe also called for cinnamon, and for some reason my taste buds are having to get used to cinnamon in an oatmeal cookie… or in a cookie in general! I’ve never actually put cinnamon in cookies before.


I find that I bake quite a bit when I am nearing final exams, or when I am a little bit stressed. It’s a good stress reducer. At least I am not stress eating!!

Yesterday was weird with my eating though, and I was quite active, but I had no appetite from noon all the way until I went to bed. I didn’t eat all that much either.
It just shows me that our bodies know what they are doing for the most part… the past previous days I ate quite a bit and had an appetitive, and yesterday I didn’t. Our bodies are efficient.