How quickly we become our mothers

“Did you lose more weight?”, my friend asked

I’m surprised that wasn’t the first thing she said.

I quickly replied a stern “NO.”

No, no, no… Well I did, but for the purposes of the conversation, I said no.

My friend is becoming like her mom in the way she talks about weight

I am becoming like my mom in the way I respond to people talking about weight.

A combination of my mom’s lack of interest in weight and my battles with a disordered way of eating has made me so sick and tired of weight talk. I figure there is so much more we could talk about rather than mine, or your weight.

So tonight instead of saying “Yes I lost weight”, I said “No, I did not lose weight”. By saying no to losing weight, it ended the conversation quickly

I obviously need to work on just telling people that I dont care for weight talk and I would rather not talk about it… It would make more sense than lying. Often though, I dont think people realize what others are going through, so they think that weight loss comments are compliments, and dont get me wrong, there are plenty of people who feel that these comments are compliments!! And to them, they are compliments! It’s an individual and a personal preference.

How much difference does 5 pounds since the last time I saw you even make? I don’t notice it… It’s not even like I intentionally lost weight, I am not actively trying to lose weight… I am aiming to maintain… I only weigh myself once every one to two months. Any more than that is no bueno for me.

However, I am proud to say though, that with the recent decline on the scale, I have now lost a total of 120.5 pounds. Never did I think I would lose that much weight. I am proud of my accomplishment, but I don’t like to discuss it with others in person very much. I am happy to be at the weight I am… Healthy, athletic, in shape.

None of my friends from university know that I once weighed 250+ pounds. Thats not something I share often with people. Not because I am ashamed. I don’t say anything about losing all that weight because I don’t want to be labelled just as someone who lost weight, I am more than that.

I am very choosy with who I share that with.

One of my boyfriend’s friends once asked me “Do fat jokes offend you? Cause you know, you used to be fat”…. At first I was shocked. My boyfriend was shocked too! I didn’t expect that friend to say something like that

Eh, to say the least I like having some mystery to myself.. So not everyone I meet needs to know about my previous weight. Who even cares!

Tonight I went to a thing with my friend… well she ended up bringing another friend that I have never met, and another friend of ours from elementary school. The night was kinda awkward, as this friend I had never met would never make eye contact with anyone!!! The friend from elementary school was sick and barely talked, which is understandable.

I got all dressed up, did my hair all nice… but I kinda wish I didnt put so much effort in tonight. hahahaha that sounds funny but its true.

Monday summer classes start… I’m looking forward to using my ipad in class, especially now that I have the keyboard to type on. I am using it right now too, I think I am pretty used to using it now.

I downloaded the OneNote app for the ipad and I use that program on my computers for note taking while reading my textbooks… that program is the bomb, I am so happy there is an Ipad app for it!!

Its so nice that its warm…. I’ve used the BBQ twice this week and I am LOVING it. I want to try grilling fruit soon….

Micro feelings

Micro feelings…..

I have my microeconomics final in a little over 12 hours. A Saturday exam from 6-9pm! How fun! Hahaha. I cannot wait to be done with this course, but I’m feeling quite stressed about the final. I’ve been studying for over a week now, so I hope that helps me out.

I’ve been having these little feelings lately that told me I wasn’t being true to myself. Through something I had done and continued to do. I was not being me. So I addressed that, finally. And became honest and open about it to who I had to say it to. So that felt better.

Once and awhile I have feelings of inferiority come up. I have worked so hard to be body positive, to love and accept my body.
To accept my body, and the consequences of losing over 115 pounds. But sometimes the loose skin taunts me, reminds me that I’ll never have the body that a normal 19 year old would have at this weight.
These are my battle scars. But sometimes it makes me feel like bruised fruit at the grocery store.

I can easily accept my battle scars, but others won’t and don’t. I know, I know “who cares what others think”.
Its just the once and awhile “bruised fruit” feeling that hurts sometimes. It makes me so sad.

I wouldn’t even consider skin removal surgery though. I’d rather accept myself for what I am, then pay thousands of dollars and deal with an unnecessary surgery.
Someone I’m close to makes comments about my skin, or, they used to… Until I told them to stop. But sometimes their words come back to me…. It’s one thing to think things about yourself, it’s another thing to have others voice the things you think. That means you’re not your worst critic sometimes.

Honestly, my skin doesn’t even look THAT bad. I think it would be SUCH a waste to have skin removal surgery on me.

I’ve worn a bikini with my skin too! It was an interesting experience. Not because I was self conscious, but because the top kept falling all over and I got so sunburnt in places I have never gotten burnt. After wearing a bikini once, I said never again.

Ontop of having loose skin, I also have very white skin that burns. So bikinis are no go. Hahah. I don’t get the hype!! They are hard to swim in.

But I love and accept myself. It’s a process. Day by day. But for the most part, my loose skin doesn’t stop me from loving myself, accepting myself, or being confident.

I’m going to Florida in just over a week. I’m looking forward to it, but I’m not quite excited for it. I usually am so excited…. Maybe it’s because I have three finals left to write. Idk.

I made fudge the other day, the starting of my Christmas baking. Cookies n creme fudge. The best!! It was the third time I’ve made it…. And it is the best yet! It gets better each time I make it. I love that stuff. I made it to bring with me to Florida.

Tomorrow, 6 of my cousins and I are baking and decorating sugar cookies. A Christmas tradition. We decorate cookies all day, then order pizza and play games. I’m soooo looking forward to it.

Unexpected emotional night

I had a great day, was incredibly productive.. Did a lot of things I needed to do, spent time with my group to finish a project. Started studying for upcoming midterm… Took a surprise nap. Skyped with the bf……. Then it just went wonky at the end.

Idk what’s up with my moods…. pms, but I am like a teeter totter of emotions.

I ended up in a flurry of tears. Luckily my bf talked through my stuff with me, and stayed up until 1 am to do so.

Losing weight was great, I learnt a lot, did a lot, got a lot of compliments. But now that I’m no longer losing weight at consistent pace anymore (on purpose!), I am having a hard listening to any comments on my weight, whether they are good or bad.

I hear all sorts of things… “I liked you when you were bigger”, “you are bony”, “you looked like you gained weight”, “you’ve stopped losing weight, right?”, “I bet you can’t eat much because your stomach shrank so much”, “do you ever, like, treat yourself?”, “are you going to be able to maintain?”, “no more cankles!”. I get prodding about loose skin, I get people asking me if I get more attention from guys, I get asked all sorts of questions…. Sometimes I am shocked!

Hell yes I treat myself, I have one hell of a sweet tooth. Yes I got some loose skin, I’m not magic! My stomach can still fit a truck load of food in it. Attention from guys?? Huh? Cankles?! Why do people ask these questions?!

I’m all for body positivity. I’ve accepted myself, you should accept yourself, and we should have a nurturing environment to do so. In which, I believe weight talk should be banned.

I have a hard time accepting who I was 3 years ago, I don’t know who that person was.
It’s hard not to think about how life would be different if I didn’t go through school being overweight.
It’s hard to realize that people will always comment on things you wish they wouldn’t.

I’ve actually asked my family and my boyfriend to never comment on my weight, whether it’s good or bad so that I have a nurturing environment to accept myself. My weight doesn’t make me look better or worse, my thoughts and actions do.

Losing weight doesn’t fix your mentality.
I have come a long long long way when it comes to dealing with my thoughts towards this, but I still have work that needs to be done, clearly.

There’s a purpose behind all of this…. I believe it.

And I’m going to be a-okay!